In a shocking development, the entire roster of the 2002 Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots revealed that Louis CK masturbated in front of them with their consent.
“We just had our starting quarterback go down with a serious injury, so it was a great time for Louis to let us know he was pulling for us,” said Linebacker Tedy Bruschi.
Tight End Jermaine Wiggins remembers those days fondly. “He would come into the dressing room and say, ‘Hey! May I masturbate in front of you fellas?’ And we were all like, ‘Frick yes, of COURSE we wanna see that!’ And it was truly excellent. Other times we would be like, ‘No, Louis, don’t be gross right now!’ And then we would order Thai food and play video games and just chill until we were ready for him to masturbate.”
Head Coach Bill Belichick added that Louis was an integral part of helping the team gel. “What Louis did was really allow the team to come together during a hard time.”