There was an international meeting of linguists, lexicographers,
The symposium, called “Pedantic Problematic Possibilities Part One” (P3P1), brought words to the table that each opposing faction wished to have removed from the English language. These negotiations are unparalleled in human history. It was the dictionary definition of progress.
Delegate Harry Simpleton kicked things off with the request that “snowflake” be removed from the English language. Though it was acknowledged that snowflakes are a natural phenomenon, Simpleton quite rightly pointed out that the term is now used to discount and discredit People of Sensitivity (POS). Simpleton suggested that the climate-related term be replaced with the more appropriate term, “cold white rain.”
Oswald Mandias said xe would consider Simpleton’s proposition if his delegation would remove the word “privileged.” A debate ensued as to whether or not the root word “privilege” was on the chopping block or just the use as an adjective. It was decided to table that motion.
The removal of “lived experience” as a phrase was countered with the challenge to eliminate “truth.” A lively debate ensued as to whether or not phrases were subject to elimination from the dictionary or whether the negotiations were limited to singular words. Legal expert Gary Dickall caused a minor disturbance when he asked if the decisions would be retroactive on Twitter. It was quickly agreed to by all present that anything posted on the internet was subject to disciplinary action at any point in the future.
When Jane Smithole stood up and introduced herself as “cis-gendered” chaos ensued and the symposium had to take a recess until tempers were restored. It was quickly decided upon return that “cis” would be eliminated in exchange for banning the acronym “NPC.”
The afternoon was much more successful. Therapy dogs were brought in to comfort one delegation while the other side was given a fresh supply of dank memes to bring them back to the negotiation table.
Here follows a complete list of words to be purged from the English language from the first of what is sure to be many successful summits.