It’s Thursday, and you know what that means. Lists!
Sneezing is as old as salt, and salt is as old as time itself. Sneezing is certainly one of the most under appreciated forms of relief that a human being can experience. Those times where you feel that special tingle from the sneeze fairy, and just desperately pray that you feel the sweet satisfaction of sneezing.
Here, we have burdened ourselves with the task of ranking the sneeze sounds. We have consulted with sneeze experts, historians, and competitive sneeze champions to figure out the question on everyone’s mind: What is the best sneeze sound.
5: AAA-Knnnf: Ouch, what the fuck was that? Why did you stop the sneeze from leaving your body and just keep it in your throat? Are you trying to be polite? Because that sounded like your throat just exploded. Just let it out next time, let those germs fly. You got some pepper in your nose? Spray away.
4: PPPLLLFLF: This can barely be considered a sneeze at all, but for the mere fact that it isn’t rupturing your throat, we will rank it as 4th… To those who sneeze like this, why are you so afraid? Do you feel ashamed of your sneezes, you little bitch? Open your talk hole and let the sneeze parade happen.
3: …CHHW: If there is one entry on this list that could polarize the sneeze community, it’s certainly …CHHW. Some consider it a masterful display of technique while not being overly loud. Others consider it blasphemous. To us, it falls low on the list, A vital part of the sneeze, according to Aleksandr Mitonowski, World Champion Sneezer 2016, is letting those in your immediate surroundings know that you’re about to blow your sneeze load. “The AAA is very important part of sneeze. Without it, sneeze may as well be a cough.”
2: hhhhh-achyu: What sets this sneeze apart from the others is that it doesn’t have an AAA to prefix it, but instead, a sharp inhale that sets up a more orthodox sounding “achyu,” Sneeze historians tend to favour this sneeze, as there has been historic writing that has all but confirmed that this was the way Julius Caesar sneezed.
1: AAAAAChu: Sing it loud, sing it proud! From the ceilings! Sneeze in your cats face! Sneeze on the handle of a subway cart! Sneeze in your hand and grab a door knob with it! Yes!!! Alert everyone around you that you are about to sneeze, then follow through with a nice, strong CHU. Sometimes what’s best is what everyone knows. That is certainly the case here.
There you have it! Our definitive list of the sneeze sounds. So go ahead, get out there and sneeze away!