It’s Wednesday! And you know what that means! Lists! Canada has a short and very boring history. It is mainly comprised of a feud between the French and the English who can’t seem to agree on anything that isn’t being shitty to Indigenous peoples. There’s a lot of provincial pride within the borders of Canada, so today we’re going to break it down on a completely objective basis. Let’s go!!!
11: ALL OF THE TERRITORIES: I actually finished writing this entire list. Then, I looked at a map and said, “wait, what the f*** are those things on top of the provinces?” And then I remembered, “Oh yeah, the Territories.” None of the Territories really have any characteristics that make them distinguishable from one another. So I’ll quickly rank them as their own things.
3) Nunavut – You got annexed from the North West Territories. That’s like winning the Talladega 500 of Boring. Congrats.
2) N.W.T. – I actually can’t think of anything to say, besides that your flag is actually pretty cool.
1) Yukon – Everyone thinks of either Yvon of the Yukon, or Yukon Gold potatoes. So you are clearly the winner.
10. British Columbia – That’s right bitches. Surprise, surprise. I bet you guys thought you were gonna be up top. Well not only did you not come in first, you came in dead last. Wanna know why? Because Vancouver is overrated. Vancouver Island? Now that’s a cool place. But to brag about Vancouver is like bragging about cold sores. Sorry, B.C!
9. New Brunswick – So, are you guys French, or what? I heard that you guys are somehow related to Louisiana? Acadians or something? That’s cool, I guess. And you’re also the only officially bilingual province (Quebec is unilingual French). So I’ll put you at 9. That sounds right to me.
8. Saskatchewan – Nonsense name for a nonsense province. What is going on in Saskatchewan? Has there ever been a breaking news story from Saskatchewan? Probably not. That’s no surprise. The only decent thing I can think of that’s Saskatchewan related is the song Wheat Kings by The Tragically Hip, and that only came about because a man had to be wrongly imprisoned for 23 years. Grow up.
7. Manitoba – I don’t know whose fault it is, but I didn’t know Manitoba was next to Ontario until I was 17. I’ve heard mixed reviews about Winnipeg, but people tell me that it’s the worst city in Canada, so that can’t be a good sign. Manitoba, you’ve got moxie, kid. I like it. You’re 7th.
6. Newfoundland & Labrador – It’s becoming obvious as I write this that I actually just know nothing about any provinces that aren’t named Ontario and Quebec. Okay, so what is Newfoundland AND Labrador? Is it like Bosnia AND Herzegovina? Why aren’t you just one place named the same thing? Or, why isn’t Labrador its own province? You guys are the weird twin brothers that no one cared about in high school.
5. Ontario – Ford Nation, baby! Buck a beer, bitch! Niagara Falls! Toronto! The economy! The Great Lakes! Parliament Hill! The 401! God DAMN, do you not know who you’re messing with? The only reason that Ontario isn’t number one is because I am from Ontario, and thus do not want to be called biased. But let’s just burn that all down. Ontario is actually number one on this list. The number one you see is actually number two. I don’t make the rules. Sorry.
4. Quebec – Everyone hates you because you’re French. That’s just the way it is. But I think it’s one of the only things that make Canada any interesting, so I’m happy that you’re here and didn’t decide to storm off like an angry 12-year-old at Thanksgiving because his Uncle called him faggy (see: 1995 referendum)
3. Nova Scotia – Did you know Scotiabank was founded in Nova Scotia by Pirates? It’s a fact. Also, your name sounds very cool. New Scotland? I’ll take it.
2. Alberta – I don’t know anything about you except for dinosaurs, gas money, and cowboys. So objectively, you are much cooler than every other province named here. I keep hearing you guys are mad at the government. It’s been like 50 years, guys. Can you secede or get over it? We ALL hate the government, Alberta. That doesn’t make you cooler. It’s getting old.
Prince Edward Island – Congrats, Prince Edward Island. You’ve won on the fact that I didn’t remember you existed until I got to the number one spot, and couldn’t remember which province I didn’t name. I’m not going to re-write this whole thing because of how forgettable you are. So congrats. You won… Wait no, Ontario actually won. So you didn’t even do that. Congrats on silver.
Honorable mention: Alaska. Not even actually Canada, but still, you almost made it on to this list.