Are you a virtue signalling progressive politician in need of a woke journalist to further your agenda and help you obtain the power you so richly deserve? Are you tired of hooking up with rando scribes who never put out … your proper talking points? Or those gross journos who have “ethics”?
Well, there’s a new app on the market and it’s going to change your political life. Introducing Pandr: the first app designed to match ideologue politicians with their ideal activist journalists.
Whether you’re a fake feminist, an ecosexual identitarian, abortion enthusiast, or just a straight-up bigot who hates all white people, Pandr is the app for you. Pandr’s innovatively invasive algorithms ensure that the specific progressivist agenda that you’re exploiting in order to gain glory, fame and power will be matched with the perfect member of the media who can amplify your voice and dupe the public into buying into your saccharine, performative, woke drivel.
Once matched, you and your new journo hookup will explore an arousing new world of false allegations, race baiting, gender panic, or whatever it is that you and your Pandr partner desire.
“I used Pandr just two months ago and I found Bradley. Bradley helped me spread false allegations in the Huffington Post about my opponent in the Allentown mayoral race. We said he used to be in the KKK and hit on school girls at the mall! He was exonerated, but not in time! Now I’m mayor and we’re getting real progress done for the people of Allentown, weekly star chambers and all!”
-Prudence Cumberson, Mayor of Allentown, Illinois
“Pandr rules! I used it to hook up with Chase. Chase wrote all about how my political enemies were all transphobic Nazis in the Point Osprey University Beagle. Now the student union is way more progressive. It’s just me and Chase for the rest of the semester! Thanks, Pandr!”
-Rain Squanders, President of POS Union.
“Pandr hooked me up with Laura McGann from Vox! She provided cover for me when I helped make Senator Al Franken resign for complete nonsense that we cooked up about him! Now I’m running for president. You’re the best, Pandr!”
-US Senator Kirsten Gillibrand